top chef … wtf?

this post is rated PG-13, it may include language not suitable for children…

or my mother…

okay. i’ve waited the requisite days (spoiler alert!) to write this post about this week’s “restaurant wars” elimination…and i call bullshit!

if you haven’t watched it, click away my reader, click away…

first, i must preface this by saying i am certain that last season’s top chef will never be topped. any of the final 3 or 4 or even 5 could mop the floor with this season’s contestants. i can pretty much guarantee you there won’t be a bocuse d’or challenge, these cheftestants just aren’t up to it.

whether it’s the editing or the theory that reality tv shows the “real” you, alex is a total douchebag. maybe we will never know what happened to the pea puree, but i can tell you i would never set foot in his restaurant cafe was (could the website be any tackier??) – not only does he seem like a jerk, he also seems a little dirty to me (not in terms of pea-puree-gate, but in terms of hygiene). and here’s a question: can you even describe any of the chef’s p.o.v.? maybe other than angelo (who i actually like, unlike some viewers), are you invested in any of them?

past seasons have always had a chef who was exciting to watch (even if you didn’t like their personalities):  whether due to their culinary skills: hung, marcel and richard blais or their hunky hearts (harold and sam) and excellent palates (stephanie, dave, stefan) sorry, i loved stefan and HATED josea..this season? nada, or rather nadie. it is a total snooze fest. but i digress.

the episode starts out with the tag team challenge, which i really enjoy. of course, alex f*#ks that one up too, by salting the fish way too early in the relay. angelo tries to fix it by adding herbs to cut back on the salt, but alas, he fails.

the blue team wins. and it’s off to restaurant wars! the blue team is feeling good, a win under their belts and the lack of the dreaded alex on their team. evoo (a terrible name…with thoughts of rachael ray (never an appetizing thought) and a rather unfortunate echo of the word, “evil”) vs. twentyone-21 (the address of the top chef house…so-so, but not brilliant – kinda like this season). since they no longer make the chefs flex their interior design muscles, you would think that it’s all about the cooking, right?


angelo and kenny take the executive chef roles. kenny’s team runs smoothly. they treat their wait staff respectfully. it is the mirror image on angelo’s side. angelo & ed strategize on how to keep alex out of the kitchen. alex is a total dick to the wait staff. everyone has to redo alex’s prep (can’t butcher the meat, can’t scale, clean and debone the fish, has to have his hand held for the veg chopping). things are chaotic and aggressive (angelo: “i’m gonna blast someone!” “no talking in the kitchen!”). alex doesn’t greet the judges when they arrive. he bungles the description of a dish (pork chop instead of lamb chop)…it looks like curtains for team angelo.

but wait! here comes the twist!

although kenny was a kick ass executive chef for the team, his two dishes sucked (frank bruni of the ny times compared it to hamburger helper…ouch!). and on the heels of tom trying to remember coco chanel’s advice to always remove one accessory (with regard to kenny’s salad), bruni compares amanda’s dish to a good suit with crappy shoes. she pouted and pursed her glossy lips and her way into yet another challenge next week. seriously?

alex screwed the prep. screwed the service. didn’t conceive of or cook a single thing. more than likely stole the pea puree (hello? isn’t there a whole foods receipt somewhere to prove that he purchased the ingredients?). bottom line, he is a jerk.

but in the end, it’s not a personality contest. it comes down to the food. and even though amanda couldn’t cook a protein properly and her greens weren’t up to par, it was kenny’s two dishes that sealed his fate. i guess it doesn’t matter in a COOKING CONTEST whether or not you COOKED any food.

all i can say is, if angelo gets eliminated, i doubt i will watch the rest of the show.

…and of course, i’m lying and they know it.

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