finding my way back…

the last couple of months (and the last two weeks in particular) have been pretty brutal. i got a new job in april and have been swimming against the dysfunctional tide ever since. i kept trying to figure out what the problem was. how i could fix it. what i was doing wrong. on and on. i was working 16-18 hours a day and everything around me was dying:  my relationship, my health, modernest, and my spirit.

i would call my friends and tell them how insane the job was and that i didn’t think i could take much more. the problem was, i actually believed in the core of the business. i believed i could make a valuable contribution, if they would just see what i was capable of. if they would just see ME. but they couldn’t.

and as each day passed, things got more and more ugly:  backstabbing. gossip. sabotage. but still, i hung on. why? out of loyalty? to what? some crazy work ethic? a twisted sense of i love a challenge? fear of the economy? be grateful you have a job, my talented unemployed friends would say. hope? my friend marie at the spirit factor would have something to say about that!

my boss (whom i adore) said, “you create your environment” – so i wrestled with that one for awhile. did i have a hand in all this chaos? was my behavior contributing to the problem? maybe a tiny bit, but it was something way bigger than me. along the way, we all contributed to that environment:  being on call 24/7, working from 6am to midnight (and beyond), accepting unacceptable behavior…is the economy really that bad?

so, friday was the breaking point. they wanted me to take on another job (i already have two). the higher ups, realizing the system truly is broken, finally ask those of us in the trenches what we think the problem is. there are a ton of excel spreadsheets to fill out. we have to account for our time in 30 minute intervals. some feel hopeful (there’s that word again, marie!). everyone is saying, things are gonna change. just hang on. it will get better. this time it will be different (we’ve had many “solutions” in the 2+ months). they understand now. they hear us. they care. or so they say.

but sometimes, you just have to stop. you can’t live in fear of unemployment. you can’t stay when every cell in your body is telling you to go. you have to remember who you are. how you want your life to be. at our last staff meeting, we were told to shape up or they were going to clean house. they told us we had to be flexible and to bend (i told marie, “i’m so bent over, the whole world is upside down!”).  well, it’s me that is cleaning my house of them. it’s just not worth it to feel this way everyday. and so, i am on the path back to happiness (broke, beautiful happiness)…

…oh, and while i have your attention, know anyone who is hiring?

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4 Comments

Filed under modern living, small business

4 responses to “finding my way back…

  1. Kudos to you! You have advised me the very same advice that you have received during this tenuous time and the fact that you chose the “path” back to your own happiness tells me that you gave it your all. We can only live in blind hope for so long, I join you in your endeavor…for I too voluntarily left a full time job to go back to freelance and consulting. I know there are a lot of people out there that may think we are crazy to do such a thing in this economy, but what they don’t know is how much crazier it would have been not to! Go Modernest!

    • thanks vic!

      it’s such a strange time and it’s so easy to lose ourselves in panic and fear. but we need to reach down and remember who we are at our core, what is important to us and what they can never take away…not for “security” or a steady paycheck or whatever. it’s just not worth it. i was happy to hear you left the 9-5 and returned to what you are best at and what you enjoy most. i’ve been reading your blog and will comment tomorrow…just getting back on my feet and back into MY life.

      thank you for your friendship.
      j.

  2. Bravo, my friend. Bravo! You have done the right thing, and I am so proud of you. You heard the voice of spirit above all the noise and chaos that you were in the middle of, and you listened to it. You let go of that four-lettered word, hope, and took action. And because you did this, you are an inspiration to others. Because of you, others will find the courage to do the same. Stand tall and know that being broke is better than being broken– and that this is just a temporary situation. I can’t wait to see what possibilities present themselves to you. I love you, Marie

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